Excruciating Pain

I cant bear it anymore. Its paining a lot and tears keep coming in. Why does it always have to be so painful? Why is “love” not the easiest thing on earth? I am feeling so lost and depressed. So ALONE. Desperately trying to keep this stress, tension and pain in my heart and pretend to be normal. I have quit my job and have completely stopped applying for college. Everything has come to a stand still. Added to that the guy was supposed to ask his dad a long time ago. Have spoken to him a dozen times and something is stopping him. Why won’t his parents agree to everything he wants? From yesterday night till now I have been in tension. There has been no talk from his side about it till now. Why doesn’t he understand how much this kill me. Not knowing the plight of my future is so scary, that I am crying like a river now. I just screamed at mom, and hurt her. I know my punishment from God is waiting for me, for doing this today. There are no friends, no body, to whom I can share my pain or to find solace. I no longer wish to ask him if his dad said okay. I feel stupid and hurt. The very fact that he has not called me or even texted me about what happend is a clear indication that his dad has not been okay. This is KILLING ME. Why can’t I have a peace of mind? Why can’t I get a guy, whose parents just accept me with no questions asked. Why can’t I feel great? Why me? Why are other girls who give more importance to looks, money, astrology and caste, get things their way and are leading happy lives. Why me, who gives importance to love, doesn’t get what she wants in life. Why this tension? Why this heart pain? No answers. I don’t want to talk to anyone and just be alone for a long long time. I just want to sleep forever and never wake up in this ugly horrible world, which has lot of pain waiting for me always.

Why I love my guy

Because he is very very special, and unlike any other guy I have ever met. I, right now, feel so lucky, that he chose me and is really in love with me. Yesterday I had to go to the hospital and in all the panic I just wanted him yo be with me. He had travelled so far to attend an alumni meeting in his under graduate college. I had called him, crying, as soon as he reached his college. He has dropped everything for me and came rushing to the hospital. He was completely there for me, and in fact when I requested him to pay the bill using his card, for the medicines, he did not even think twice. Mom and me took a few thousand bucks, but because we were asked to take X ray and pay doctor fees, we didn’t have enough cash in hand right then. While he took care of the medicine bills, I and mom went ahead to get me injected by the nurse there, it was painful. But since my darling was around, I stopped panicking. I felt  I was in safe hands and that he would take care of everything. Finally he dropped me and mom at a restaurant where we had to go to keep a personal commitment. I asked him to get down the car, wanting to hug him and say thanks to him for being such a nice guy. I also realised that I truly madly deeply love him and trust him with my life. I am indebted to him and wish to make him the happiest man in the world.

Welcome 2013

Happy New Yeaaaaar… I feel like shouting this to the whole world! 😀

I finally did off with my most important bucket list item – QUIT MY COMPANY. I still can’t believe that I have submitted my resignation form on the 31st of 2012! Well, it was coming. I was growing more and more frustrated with my job and at one point I started wondering where my life was heading. Only now, after quitting, I feel that I have got my freedom back. Some free time for myself, to do things that I love doing.

The eve of New Year was quite nice, well spent with my family and loved one. I feel good. I hope that this year is the beginning of many new and wonderful things. I seek God’s blessings for making this year a good one for each one of us.

NY2013