I cant bear it anymore. Its paining a lot and tears keep coming in. Why does it always have to be so painful? Why is “love” not the easiest thing on earth? I am feeling so lost and depressed. So ALONE. Desperately trying to keep this stress, tension and pain in my heart and pretend to be normal. I have quit my job and have completely stopped applying for college. Everything has come to a stand still. Added to that the guy was supposed to ask his dad a long time ago. Have spoken to him a dozen times and something is stopping him. Why won’t his parents agree to everything he wants? From yesterday night till now I have been in tension. There has been no talk from his side about it till now. Why doesn’t he understand how much this kill me. Not knowing the plight of my future is so scary, that I am crying like a river now. I just screamed at mom, and hurt her. I know my punishment from God is waiting for me, for doing this today. There are no friends, no body, to whom I can share my pain or to find solace. I no longer wish to ask him if his dad said okay. I feel stupid and hurt. The very fact that he has not called me or even texted me about what happend is a clear indication that his dad has not been okay. This is KILLING ME. Why can’t I have a peace of mind? Why can’t I get a guy, whose parents just accept me with no questions asked. Why can’t I feel great? Why me? Why are other girls who give more importance to looks, money, astrology and caste, get things their way and are leading happy lives. Why me, who gives importance to love, doesn’t get what she wants in life. Why this tension? Why this heart pain? No answers. I don’t want to talk to anyone and just be alone for a long long time. I just want to sleep forever and never wake up in this ugly horrible world, which has lot of pain waiting for me always.
Never did I think that I would get up at 3:30 AM and fill applications. But this is a different phase of life, missed out by many of my peers. While most of my friends are settled in IT companies, I felt I could not fit in there. I like using computers in a different way, to develop useful meaningful products, not keep doing changes to existing projects, over and over again. At one point I started feeling useless. I felt that I have accomplished nothing in the past 3 years, except for some social service in human and animal welfare. So here I am, planning to travel to the other end of the planet, just like that, and going to live with new people. I have applied to three colleges for Graduate programs and anxiously waiting for results. This is a big decision that I have made, but I am following my intuition and right now it tells me to go for it.